can never get a link to work - copy & paste this one to see my old instructor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiLTiNOxdjY

Ok...so the link works...

This joke may contain traces of nut and anti English sentiment but is funny nonetheless.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, a dear old Greek Granny and a very beautiful Swiss blonde were all on board a train. The train went into a dark tunnel and a thunderous slap was heard. As the train came out of the tunnel the Englishman was holding his face in pain and shock. The dear old Greek Granny thought “He’s tried to fondle the Swiss girl and she’s slapped him on the face” The Swiss girl thought “He’s obviously tried to fondle me but got the dear old Greek Granny instead and she’s slapped him on the face” The Englishman thought “ the Scotsman has fondled the Swiss girl and she's went to slap him but got me instead” and the Scotsman was thinking “I can’t wait til we go through another tunnel so that I can slap that English -------- again. (I can’t translate this word so fill it in yourself)

haha nice one.

Stop Press

Yesterday, scientists for Health Scotland suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to pee, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned...

50 Things Women Can't Do

1. Know anything about a car, other than its colour

2. Understand a film plot

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message

4. Build a shed

5. Throw

6. Run

7. Park

8. Fart

9. Read a map

10.Rob a bank

11.Resist Ikea

12.Sit still

13.Tell a joke

14.Play pool

15.Pay for dinner

16.Eat a kebab while walking

17.Piss out a train window

18.Argue without shouting

19.Get told off without crying

20.Understand fruit machines

21.Walk past a shoe shop

22.Make a decent bacon sandwich

23.Not comment on a stranger's clothes

24.Use small amounts of toilet paper

25.Let you sleep while you have a hangover

26.Drink a pint gracefully

27.Get in a round

28.Throw a punch

29.Do magic

30.Like your friends

31.Enjoy porn

32.Admit that men are better drivers

33.Eat a hot curry

34.Get to the point

35.Buy plain envelopes

36.Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

37.Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying "I'm cold"

38.Go shopping without phoning 20 mates

39.Avoid credit card debt

40.Dive into a pool

41.Assemble furniture

42.Form a rock group

43.Set a video recorder

44.Not try and change you

45.Watch a war film

46.Understand why flirting results in violence

47.Spend a day by themselves

48.Go to the toilet by themselves

49.Buy a purse that fits in their pocket

50.Choose a video quickly

thanks to the Portadown News for this
to be sung to the tune of "American Pie"


Long, long time ago, I can still remember how those hoodin' f**kers made me laugh
And I know if I had a chance to see those Baps and Jantys dance,
I would laugh my backside off once again.
'Cos don't they realise it's not clever, Drinking Bucky down the river,
Tucked-in tracksuit bottoms, They just look f**kin' ratten!
I can't remember if I cried
when I saw these slabbers all whacked and fried
But it amused me deep inside...
The day the Bucky thrived!
And they were singin'...
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
" ...I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"

Did you write the book of sh ite?
"here len'is ten bob, gawn gizza light?"
Did ya call my Da a Ba stard!?
Oh and do you believe in hard core techno?
Hav ye gubbed 5 E's in the back of a Metro?
And can you teach me how to speak reeeaaallll fast?!
You can tell that she's in love wi' him,'
Cos he's a Jaffa and she's a Tim,
They kicked off filthy socks and those manky old Reeboks.
He was a scrawny youth with a GAP pullover,
A sovrin ring and a stolen Nova,
They fell in love when he muff dived 'er, (sorry!)
The day the Bucky thrived....

And they were singin'...
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
"...I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"


Now for ten years you've been on the dole,
Claimin' off the DOE, coz ya fell doun a hole
And that's just how it's always been.
When the headcase screamed at the Police van,
In a coat he'd stolen from TopMan,
And a fag that came from you or me
But while the peeler was looking dapper,
The wheel brace hit him on the napper,
Dressed all in Kappa clobber,
As he shouted, "suck ma wabber!".
While wee Sean stole shoes from Clarks',
And Billy slashed some c**t in the park,
They all sniffed petrol in the dark,
The day the Bucky thrived....

And they were singin'........
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
" ..........I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"

Yer NO FEAR sticker is a belt 'er
Writing mentions on the old bus shelter,
Eight days straight drinking 'Faaaaaaaaaast!
Doin' six months fer selling black,
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Space wi' the hack.
The millies reek of cheap perfume,
While name-tag necklaces jangle round the room,
face like a well bashed cheezer
A fag and lemon Breezer.
The lack of class is hard to hide,
They just can't wait to get inside,
An ink tattoo and a door-way ride,
That's how the punters thrive

And they were singin'........
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
" ..........I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"

You'll see them in their usual places,
With baseball hats and ugly faces,
Outside the offy acting hard.
So Shug be nimble, Shug be quick,
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer mates.
All lined up outside wi rollin baccies
A rainbow of exotic trackies,
Givin' abuse to all grannies,
Ya f**ked up bunch of fannies!
And as the day turns into night,
The hoods may gang up to start a fight,
But on their own they're soft as sh ite!
That day the Old Firm tied.

And they were singin'........
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
" ..........I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"

(Slowly with feeling)
I met a girl who sang 'The Sash', I asked about her f**kin' moustache,
But she just told me to f**k off!
I went down to the local chippy,
Where the hoods hung out and the staff were nippy, And the punters there
harassed me for some fags.
Baseball hats at stupid angles,
The girls each wore three dozen bangles,
Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies.
But the three meals they enjoy the most,
Are chinese, chippies and beans on toast,
Come Belfast fair they hit the coast,
Those days the Bucky thrives!

And they were singin'........
Bye, bye, eatin' spuds cheapest pie,
Drove the Uno roun' the town oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing monkey hats though it's nearly July
Singin', "I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye "
" ..........I'll stick this f**kin' knife in yer eye!"

I enjoyed that

Lois

Did you try singing it to the tune then Lois ??

All the way through george, nearly said some thing then and remembered everyone could read it.....
gosh, that was scary.

Lois x